


i'll wear you around my neck

by bratzhyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, nahyuck are best friends, renjun has amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:42:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21526939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bratzhyuck/pseuds/bratzhyuck
Summary: "You're Donghyuck right?"Renjun lost his memory after an accident and meets Donghyuck years later, without knowing that they used to be lovers. Donghyuck is heartbroken but he smiles back."Yeah."
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 16
Kudos: 194





	i'll wear you around my neck

**Author's Note:**

> writing renhyuck instead of finishing the nohyuck in my drafts and the markhyuck i stopped updating months ago <3  
> posting at 1am because i'm impatient and lazy as usual so pretend you don't see the typos .. also NOT my best work (at all) but maybe you'll like it who knows!!!

It's a busy night at the Starbucks where Donghyuck works, just like most winter evenings are because of the advantageous position of the coffeeshop, right behind the subway and two streets away from one of the largest universities of the city that Donghyuck also happens to attend. 

Saying Donghyuck is used to the frenetic night shift would be a a lie, he still has yet to master the art of being able to make a coffee in under three minutes while also preparing the next order, but he thinks he at least got the hang of it after working under the largest coffee chain for two months already. 

He wouldn't say he loves his job either—he actually hates anything remotely involved with work— but he doesn't dislikes it. He mostly works the early morning shifts which, even though he hates waking up early and he has to make himself two coffees before functioning properly, are quiet peaceful with little customers and little to no noise at all.

Even though he often works the morning shifts because of his classes in the afternoon, he sometimes ends up working the night shifts as well, because he's substituting for one of his coworker —most of the times Jaemin, he almost always asks Donghyuck to sub in for him and somehow always gets away with it— or because he needs the extra money.

Tonight's one of those nights. Donghyuck isn't sure if it's 8 or 11PM since he's working with Mina only when at least four people would be needed and he hasn't had even a single second to breathe since he put on his apron a few hours ago. Customers come in and leave faster than Donghyuck can proceed and he knows he can't afford to get distracted even for just a second or he would definetely mess up the orders. 

He's busy telling Mina the last order and putting the money the two teenagers just handed him in the cash register when the next customer calls out to him.

"Hi." Donghyuck breathes out with his customer-friendly smile on, praying the order wouldn't be an overly complicated one because he's starting to have trouble memorizing everything. Also, they ran out of whipped cream and Donghyuck doesn't have the heart to tell the bad news to anyone else tonight. 

His mind goes blank and his smile immediatly fades away though, when he meets eyes with the boy in front of him. Around the same height as him, average dark eyes and dark hair, red cheeks from the cold outside and a black beanie on his head pushing his hair against his forehead.

Donghyuck can barely hear the pop song echoing in the shop anymore, just the beating of his heart growing louder and louder in his ears as a lump takes shape in his throat. 

Renjun hasn't changed one bit. He hasn't grown any taller, his eyes and hair are the same color they used to be, his skin still seems sensitive to the weather and it looks like he still likes to wear hats. Donghyuck's breath is taken away though. Renjun hasn't changed at all and that's what makes it all the harder for Donghyuck to face him. 

He can feel his mouth becoming dry and his hands starting to shake on the marker pen he's gripping but he can't take his eyes away from Renjun, whose own pupils now seem shiny, as if they held the whole galaxy in them. To Donghyuck, they are now. His eyes manichally trail down towards Renjun's hands and he eyes the one that's holding his phone, feeling himself tense up when he notices the one of a kind birthmark on it. It used to be a habit of Donghyuck, when he felt scared, lost or disconnected from the world, he would automatically search for Renjun's birthmark —it reminded him of who he was and where he was. It calmed him.

Now though, Donghyuck doesn't feel calm at all, far from that. Renjun's eyes are curious and Donghyuck thinks he can hear Mina telling him to hurry up from behind him but every part of the boy in front of him is a memory. His hair, his eyes, his mouth, his neck, they're all coming back to him at the same time. Donghyuck wants to throw up.

"Excuse me? Did you hear me?"

Donghyuck slowly snaps out of it when he notices Renjun's frown, the one he loved to see when it was the aftermath of Donghyuck teasing him, the one he grew to hate when it appeared on Renjun's face when he asked him who he was. 

Donghyuck asks him if he could repeat when he recovers his voice after coughing which Renjun does before handing him the money. Donghyuck reaches over and can't help but slightly startle when Renjun's fingers brush against his palm. Donghyuck wants to grab his hand and keep it in his but that's probably not something you do to a stranger, especially while you're working. He feels sick again at the thought of being strangers, but that is what they are after all. 

Mina's quick to make Renjun's drink and Donghyuck busies himself with the next customers but he still watches as Renjun smiles to his coworker and takes his leave, without a single glance to him.

The rest of his shift, Donghyuck feels weak but he can't leave Mina alone so he tries his best to remain composed until he's home and he can finally shed three years worth of tears. 

On tuesdays, Donghyuck works all day to make up for thursdays when he can't come to work at all because of universitiy. It's his most exhausting day but at least it's not boring.

"What's up loser!"

Donghyuck startles from surprise because he's been alone in the storage room for thirty minutes, enjoying his last moments before opening, and he didn't hear any sound coming from any of the door so a overly tall and noisy guy jumping on his back and screaming in his ear is the last thing he expected.

"Get off my back." Donghyuck whines before turning around. "You're late."

Jaemin is beaming, a bit too hyper for such early hours if you asked Donghyuck, especially for someone who's fourty minutes late to work and who left his coworker do everything alone, but the blonde boy —he dyed his hair a few weeks ago on a whim and all he had to say about it was that dyeing your hair at home was a daunting task (it looked awfully good on him, though)— settles for a chuckle and a kiss on Donghyuck's cheek instead of an apology. Donghyuck sighs but it's not like he isn't used to it.

"I'm just on time actually, opening is in twenty minutes." Jaemin smiles, completely aware of his tardiness.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes but does not say anything. He walks past Jaemin to get out of the storage room while purposely shoving his shoulder in the process and ignores Jaemin's laugh as he follows him to the cash register.

Donghyuck had friends in school, but only when he met Jaemin during his first year of high school did he truly understand what it is like to have a best friend. Jaemin had unbelievable nerve that matched Donghyuck's and a smile of gold which dazzled everyone, but for some reason, the popular boy grew to like the sarcastic but also bright guy that Donghyuck was. They'd been best friends ever since and Jaemin, who had a tendency to like Donghyuck too much, decided to apply for the same job as him —unsurprisingly he got in a lot more easily than Donghyuck did.

Jaemin knows everything about Donghyuck, and it is impossible for him to hide something from his best friend, which is the exact reason why Donghyuck is looking nervously at the inventory sheet on the counter in front of him, thinking about what to say.

Before Jaemin can notice anything, Donghyuck clenches his fist and forces the words to come out of his mouth.

"I saw Renjun yesterday."

Even with his back turned to him, Donghyuck can feel Jaemin looking up from his phone in a second and he can also imagine the look on his face. A mixture of shock, joy and worry.

"Renjun? Where? When? Did you talk to him?" Jaemin walks to him and leans his side on the counter, next to Donghyuck who only shakes his head without looking at his friend. Jaemin smiles apologetically. "It's okay, tell me."

"Nothing happened really, one second I was just working and everything was normal but the next Renjun was in front of me and I couldn't say anything." Donghyuck can feel his voice starting to shake so he chuckles to distract himself. "Mina got mad at me for keeping the line waiting, she went on a rant for about twenty minutes when we were closing."

Jaemin smiles but it's a sad grin that doesn't reach his eyes and he raises his hand to pat Donghyuck's head. "It's fine. So he just came to order and left?"

Donghyuck nods. "You know what was really awful?" He sniffles and Jaemin gently wipes the tear falling down his cheek that he hadn't even noticed he had started to shed. "He had the same eyes as that day. It made me want to die."

Jaemin wraps his arms around Donghyuck's neck and pulls him into a hug, making Donghyuck break into tears again, which is probably the worst thing that could happen minutes before the shop open but he's still thankful for it. 

"If he ever comes again, just call me, I'll handle it, even if I'm not working. You know I'm not far." Jaemin pets his hair.

Donghyuck stifles a chuckle because Jaemin really isn't far, he almost lives down the street yet, he still always comes late to work. 

A customer enter the shop moments after when Jaemin is still hugging Donghyuck but luckily it's a regular who's always here first every morning and he laughs at the two boys. Jaemin jokes Donghyuck loves him too much while swinging their bodies from left to right, leaving enough time for Donghyuck to swallow his tears and start his day in a mood slightly better than yesterday.

If Donghyuck secretly expected for Renjun to come by again, he certainely didn't think it would be so soon, so when he sees him enter the shop three days later, he immediatly straighten his back without thinking and feels his body become weak again.

He silentely curses Jaemin for not coming to work today and thinks about calling him, as he told him to. He's probably just home, sleeping or watching bad TV shows, but he never has his phone on silent so he could come in a flash if he asked but Donghyuck shakes his head. He can do this.

Even if he tells himself that, he can't help but steal glances at Renjun waiting in the line as he takes the customer's order and when it's finally his turn, Donghyuck gulps. 

Renjun takes the same drink as last time, Donghyuck notices, and when he hands him the money, Donghyuck blurts out. "Do you happen to go to the university next to the park?"

Donghyuck bites the inside of his cheek as Renjun watches him with curious eyes. He couldn't help himself, he had to know if Renjun attented the same school as him and they had just managed to not cross paths for almost two years. 

"Yeah, how do you know?" Renjun has a smirk on his face and his eyes go from curious to interested which makes Donghyuck unconciosuly sigh in relief. Finally, those haunting eyes are gone.

He finds himself stuttering after registering Renjun's answer, though. They go to the same school. Donghyuck asked with the hope the answer would be positive but somehow, he still feels distraught. 

"I thought I saw you, that's why." Donghyuck's thankful for his ability to make up lies quickly and he feels a thump in his chest when Renjun flashes a smile at him as he moves to the other counter to take his drink.

"Maybe I'll see you around then."

Renjun glances at him one last time before leaving the shop this time and Donghyuck watches his back as he walks down the street under the snowflakes until he disappears around the corner.

"I hope so." He whispers to himself. 

Despite Jaemin's love to follow Donghyuck around, they unfortunately weren't able to attend the same university after graduating high school because Jaemin wanted to study biology while Donghyuck wanted to pursue his studies in psychology, but that doesn't stop Jaemin from swinging by at his school almost everyday. 

Donghyuck likes the company because, even if he knows some people there, it's still quite hard to make friends in university because of the multiple classes all with different people and the busy schedules. 

Today, however, Jaemin's not here. He just texted him he wouldn't be able to come and he's sorry with a bunch of unnecessary emojis even though Donghyuck never asked him to come in the first place (he still feels disappointed).

Now, Donghyuck's standing alone in the snow that wouldn't stop from falling, wondering where he should go eat lunch since Jaemin's not dragging him anywhere this time.

"I really need some friends." Donghyuck mutters, unlocks his phone to pretend he's busy and not standing alone like a poor guy that got stood up. 

Just as he was opening a window in his browser to find the nearest McDonald's before he freezes to death, he feels someone slightly shoving his back from behind. He staggers, surprised by the sudden push before turning around, ready to throw his best death glare to whoever just shoved him but he's caugh short when he meets eyes with Renjun, grinning at him behind his scarf wrapped tightly around his neck.

"You're Donghyuck, right?"

Renjun was a beautiful being, Donghyuck could see it from the first time he saw him. He had a slight Chinese accent, a crooked tooth and straight A's. He was in Donghyuck's class during their first year of high school and Donghyuck had immediatly felt the want —the need— to talk to him. He hadn't been able to for almost half of the first semester though, even after he became friends with Jaemin who basically knew and talked with everyone at school, even seniors. 

Renjun was sort of unattainable. He shone amongst the other students, with his sharp eyes and his dark humour and Donghyuck could do nothing but watch him from afar.

He didn't know why he was so interested in the boy either, he had just caught his eye and after, Donghyuck wasn't able to think of anyone else. Rather than love, it was probably admiration. Renjun was a lot of things that Donghyuck wasn't and would never be: a perfect student with a troublesome smile and an intriguing aura constantly floating around him. It made Donghyuck want to befriend him, which he finally did a few months after school started.

Donghyuck got detention for arriving late to school more than three times —Donghyuck was actually very punctual and never came late once during middle school, he even got the Perfect Attendance Award, but Jaemin always made him late one way or another— so he had to stay behind on a friday afternoon, which sucked. Jaemin had gotten detention too, for the same reason, but their teachers probably had talked together, because Jaemin's detention was the week after.

When he got into the room, he expected to be alone —at least that's what he hoped— so he was more than surprised when he saw Renjun sitting in the back of the room, his earphones plugged in his ears.

Donghyuck felt curious that Renjun had gotten detention, he wasn't exactly the type of student to get into trouble. Donghyuck wasn't either and his detention was for an innocent reason, but Renjun was never late so it couldn't be due to that. He really couldn't imagine why Renjun would have gotten detention, adding to the factor of mystery the boy unconciously had.

Donghyuck stood still for a second, but Renjun must have had seen him in the corner of his eyes because he raised his head and locked eyes with him.

Donghyuck gulped but slowly made his way towards the table near the windows, on the opposite side of the room but just as he was about to sit down, Renjun spoke.

"You're Donghyuck, right?"

Donghyuck didn't know what to feel between joy that Renjun remembered his name and wanted to talk to him, or disappointment that he had to make sure of his name even though they'd been in the same class for months. 

He chose to smile at him and walked to his table.

"Yeah." He smiles at Renjun before frowning. "Wait, how do you know?"

"I saw your nametag the other day."

"Right." Donghyuck's silent again but he notices Renjun staring at him, as if waiting for something. Donghyuck tilts his head, silently asking what he wants.

"Well, you don't seem curious but my name's Renjun." Renjun pursues his lips, almost sulking. 

"Right! Right, sorry." Donghyuck curses himself in his head. Of course he shouldn't know Renjun's name. "Renjun? You're Chinese?" He asks, trying to make up for his mistake.

"Yeah. No need to praise my Korean skills or whatever, I'm not new around here."

"I wasn't going to." Donghyuck smiles and Renjun glances at him with the same glint in his eyes he had the other day. 

Donghyuck almost lets out a noise of surprise when he suddenly notices he's able to talk to Renjun normally. Well, almost. He thinks about Jaemin and how proud he'd be and tells himself he's going to call him right after but Renjun's voice interrupt his train of thoughts.

"Anyway, I came because I thought it was you but wanna eat lunch together?"

Donghyuck feels his eyes widen a bit by themselves and he clears his throat. Renjun's the same outgoing boy he always was and that makes his heart soothe a bit. He eyes Renjun's red nose from the cold and the scene has a painful feeling of déjà-vu to it so he nods with a grin. 

"Come again?"

"I said I ate lunch with Renjun today." Donghyuck whispers without really knowing why. He's alone in the living room of his incredibly tiny flat, he even put music on so his neighbors or anyone walking in the corridor wouldn't hear through the thin walls. For some reason, what he's saying feels like a secret.

"You're lying." Jaemin says through the phone, only to be met with silence on Donghyuck's side. "Okay, exactly how did you go from 'I can't look him in the eyes' to 'let me just grab lunch with my guy'? No offense."

"None taken." Donghyuck plops down on his sofa and lies down to stare at the ceiling. He looks for the stain Jaemin left when he tried to flip pancakes last time he came before explaining. "Honestly, I don't know. He was just there, talking to me and I wasn't working that time so I had to answer anyway, you know? It'd be kinda rude to just-"

"No, no, I get that." Jaemin interrupts him, sighing, but Donghyuck can hear the smile in his voice. "I mean, did you just talk to him normally? Were you okay?"

Donghyuck puts his friend on speaker so he can put the phone down next to him before closing his eyes. He sees Renjun under the snow, smiling at him, telling him his name, he recalls him grabbing his arm excitedly when Donghyuck told him he had enough points on his McDonald's account to get a free menu. 

"Yeah, it was normal. And nice. I couldn't tell him the truth, it just wasn't where the conversation was going and as we talked, I just, I don't know, missed the opportunity to tell him." Donghyuck rubs his eyes and grunts. "I'm screwed now though, I can't say it anymore."

"Well, I guess it's fine for now." Jaemin tries to comfort him but the worry in his voice is obvious. 

There's a silence between the two of them, Donghyuck on the brink of falling asleep right here in his couch, and Jaemin heavily breathing on the other side. After a few seconds, Jaemin speaks hesitantly.

"So... How was he?"

Donghyuck slowly opens his eyes. He shifts on his side and eyes Jaemin's contact photo on his screen. It's a picture of him smiling widely taken during their second year of high school, when his hair was still black and not damaged by the numerous hair dyes. Donghyuck hasn't changed phones since and he never thought of changing the photo either. When he remembers the exact moment he took this picture, Donghyuck gulps.

Of course, Jaemin wants to know too. He probably wants to see Renjun just as much as Donghyuck does, he probably cried at home too, when Donghyuck couldn't see him, he probably got reminded of Renjun because of dumb things every day too. 

"He's fine. He's so different from before, but he's also just the same, you know? But you have to see him yourself. You'd have to come to work though." Donghyuck smiles.

"Why?"

"I told him to come by again. I promised I'd give him a discount."

Jaemin quickly befriended Renjun after Donghyuck introduced them to each other, unlike him who had a hard time breaking through Renjun's shell, but that was mostly because their friendships were all different. Jaemin and Donghyuck were best friends, Jaemin and Renjun were good friends and Donghyuck and Renjun had a special kind of bond.

Neither friends nor lovers, Donghyuck wasn't sure what kind of relationship he had exactly with Renjun or what he was to him. Renjun's mind always seemed clouded and unlike most people, his actions didn't always reflect his thoughts. He often acted on a whim or said things he didn't mean and Donghyuck learned to live with it, but sometimes, it was still hard to fully grasp his friend. 

They always had fun together though, the three of them. Their dynamics worked well together and if he was asked, Donghyuck would probably say this was the happiest time of his life. 

They quickly became an inseparable trio. It was hard to see one without the two others and their bond was hardly understandable by others. Both Jaemin and Renjun had a lot of friends before and Donghyuck himself hung out with a few people, but the three of them together was just something different. 

One day, as Donghyuck walked to the school stadium for his PE class, he ran into Renjun and he would have greeted him with the usual bright smile he had on everytime he saw his friend if Renjun's nose wasn't bleeding on his violetish skin. 

Donghyuck immediatly ran to him and cupped Renjun's face with his hands but he moved back, wincing in pain.

"Dumbass, let me see your face." Donghyuck hit him in the back of the head before grabbing Renjun's chin to get a good look at his face. "That looks ugly. Tilt your head forwards and pinch your nose."

Renjun didn't have the time to roll his eyes and tell him he knew what to do, thank you, that Donghyuck grabbed his head and pushed it down so Renjun would just shut up and do what he was told.

"But I can't breathe if I pinch my nose." Renjun said in a muffled voice.

"Don't be dumb and breathe through your mouth. What happened?" 

Renjun didn't answer which made Donghyuck glance at him, even though he could only see the back of Renjun's head who was bending much more than what was necessary. He slightly pushed his shoulder to make him react but Renjun still didn't say anything.

"What's up? Are you getting bullied?" Donghyuck scoffed, knowing very well Renjun was certainely not the type to get bullied, at least not without fighting back.

"Please." Renjun rolled his eyes, Donghyuck could feel it without having to see it and he pulled his hair to make him talk.

"So?"

"Minjae was talking shit about you and Jaemin so I punched him. I didn't think about it." Renjun said after a moment of hesitation. "Probably not the best idea though. I don't regret punching him but standing there after, thinking this 190cm tall of a guy wouldn't hit back wasn't the best of ideas, I'll admit."

"What?" Donghyuck said in disbelief. 

Renjun straightened his back and looked at Donghyuck straight in the eyes. Donghyuck knew he probably expected him to say something along the lines of 'You're gonna get in trouble for that and I won't be here to help you' so he didn't.

"What did Minjae even had to say about us, that asshole."

When Donghyuck recalled the incident to Jaemin, his friend couldn't believe Renjun had punched a guy two times taller than him for them when Renjun hated fighting in the first place and Donghyuck almost spit his water out. He didn't even realize what Renjun had done on the moment but thinking about it, that was probably one of the many times Renjun showed how much he treasured them.

Donghyuck almost faints when he enters Starbucks in a rush —he only has ten minutes to get changed and take his shift— and sees Jaemin sitting at a table in the back of the shop, right in front of Renjun.

He immediatly stops in his tracks and watches them as Jaemin say something and Renjun explodes into laughter. It rings loudly in the shop and Donghyuck feels his heart drop. He slowly walks to them and when he's close enough, Renjun meets eyes with him. His face instantly brightens so Jaemin turns around and he smiles too upon seeing his best friend. 

"Hey! I ran into Renjun just as about my shift was over and I recognized him as the guy you talked to me about, so we started talking together." Jaemin says. His smile remains unwavering through his lie but Donghyuck blushes at the thought that now, Renjun thinks Donghyuck's talking about him. Which isn't false, but still.

"Right." Donghyuck awkwardly chuckles. He glances at Renjun who's also smiling at him and he suddenly feels weird. "Well, I'm late so see you later."

He tries to leave before any of them can say anything else to him but Renjun grabs his wrist which makes Donghyuck slightly lose his balance because of how quick he was already walking away. 

He slowly turns around and when he meets Renjun's eyes again, he raises his eyebrows in a way that asks him what he wants.

"Give me your number."

"What?" Donghyuck almost chokes on air and he crosses Jaemin's malicious eyes. Renjun's face is incredibly serious though, and he's not letting go of Donghyuck's wrist.

"I asked Jaemin for both of your numbers but he wouldn't tell me yours. So give it to me." Renjun answers.

"Um, sure." Donghyuck goes to take a pencil out of his back so he can write it on one of the napkins that are on the table but Renjun slides his hand from Donghyuck's wrist to his own hand to softly squeeze it as he whispers 'Thanks'. 

Donghyuck is sure his hands are sweaty and his face is probably as red as his heart beats fast in his chest but he tries to ignore it to focus on his task. Once he's done, he throws one last smile at Renjun and a glare at Jaemin, who's happily smiling on his chair, before going to the storage room. He now only has three minutes left, but he wouldn't have traded those seven minutes for anything else after all.

Renjun sometimes acted unpredictably and that was something Donghyuck was used to but there was a time he crossed the line that had been silently instaured between them and made Donghyuck feel like he was starting to lose his mind.

They were all at a party, Donghyuck didn't even know who the house belonged to, it was probably a friend of Jaemin since he had so many of them and was the only one who really ever got invited to parties. Donghyuck was invited to some parties once in a while too but most of the times he didn't go, because he was too lazy or because he couldn't bring Jaemin and Renjun, so there was no point in going. If Renjun got invitations, he didn't say anything about it but it didn't look like he went to a lot of parties either. Donghyuck wouldn't know why though, because Renjun loved to have fun.

Just like now, when Donghyuck entered the kitchen to get a new cup since someone seemed to have stolen his and he saw Renjun against the sink, kissing someone Donghyuck had never seen before. 

Donghyuck opened his mouth but couldn't get a single word out, unable to just leave as well. Renjun opened his eyes and saw him but, unlike Donghyuck thought he would, Renjun didn't budge an inch. He moved his head to the side though, to stop the other from kissing him again and leaned in to whisper something in the ear of the person he was kissing just moments ago, probably to leave since in a second, they were alone.

"I- Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you." Donghyuck didn't know why he was stumbling on his words, they weren't the kind of friends to be embarassed about such things, after all they'd heard Jaemin tell them about his love life countless numbers of times, but somehow that felt different. 

"It's fine." Renjun shrugged, as if it was nothing. But it was something because Renjun had never even just mentionned being remotely interested in someone and now here he was kissing someone in a stranger's kitchen.

"But- Who was that?" Donghyuck asked and for some reason, his question felt dumb under Renjun's emotionless stare.

"Don't know, someone I met earlier." He shrugged again, looking completely uninterested and Donghyuck frowned. 

"You're kissing someone you met an hour ago?" He felt genuinely bewildered, even Jaemin wasn't the kind to kiss strangers at parties even though he could if he wanted to.

"That's not a big deal." Renjun laughed before moving from the sink towards Donghyuck. He didn't move at first, only raising a brow at Renjun's sudden closeness but thinking back, he probably should have had seen it coming. "I could even kiss you."

"What?" Donghyuck almost choked on his own saliva before letting out an awkward chuckle and looking around him nervously to avoid Renjun's stare. "Are you drunk?"

Renjun smiled and raised his hand to Donghyuck's nape, forcingly making him look at him. His eyes were scary, not because they looked mean, but because they had something in them that Donghyuck saw for the first time in Renjun. His gaze was almost glassy, probably from the alcohol —at least, that was what Donghyuck tried to tell himself. He was staring right into Donghyuck's eyes and, thinking about it, Donghyuck didn't think Renjun had ever even looked at him in the eyes. With Renjun's gaze planted in his, his breath slowly falling on Donghyuck's lips because of their considerable closeness and his light hand on Donghyuck's nape, Donghyuck's heart stopped knowing how to beat anymore for a second.

Before he could process anything else, he saw Renjun getting awfully close to his face and before he could think about it any more, Donghyuck pushed his chest while stammering about how he had to go and ran out of the kitchen. 

Donghyuck got out of the house quickly, forgetting about even sending a text to Jaemin to tell him he had left. Jaemin would understand, at least if Donghyuck did tell him about the incident which he honestly didn't know as he walked home.

His cheeks were red and Donghyuck cursed himself for knowing it wasn't because of the strong wind blowing or the cold infiltrating his body. Unconsciously, he started walking faster. Donghyuck could only think of three things: Renjun, Jaemin and their friendship. 

Renjun, Renjun, Renjun. 

It was a really cold day for a month of March but Donghyuck couldn't even feel the wind on his face, only Renjun's touch on his nape. He wanted to scream because he knew he didn't run away because he had felt weirded out by Renjun's actions, but because he had desperately wanted Renjun to kiss him at that moment and that, was not something that could happen.

"Did I wake you up?"

Donghyuck grunts as he stands on his elbow and removes his phone from his ear to watch the screen lit up, allowing him to see the time. He squints a bit because of the small digits and the fact that Renjun did wake him up by sending him at least a thousand texts before calling him at two in the morning.

"Nah, I wasn't sleeping yet." He lies though, because he doesn't want Renjun to hang up.

Renjun chuckles on his side of the phone before proceeding to tell Donghyuck about how he spent the worst day of his life because of his Art History class and the assignment he still hasn't turned in despite the deadline being tomorrow, which means yesterday, since it's past midnight already and he's freaking out.

Renjun and Donghyuck have been talking quite a lot ever since that day Renjun asked for his number and it would be a lie to say he isn't completely delighted about it. Renjun turned out to be much more talkative and vibrant that Donghyuck thought he would and started spamming him with texts from the first day.

They spend a lot of time together at university, to study or eat lunch, and sometimes Jaemin even comes by to hang with them. It almost feels like before, except now Donghyuck feels a lump in his throat almost everytime he's around Renjun. 

At times, he and Jaemin exchange sad, knowing looks, but neither of them seem to be able to say anything to Renjun, so they keep pretending. They pretend they don't know Renjun has an older sister, or that he loves cat-shaped things but Donghyuck feels himself dying a bit more everytime he fakes a question or a surprised look. 

"What's your assignment about?" Donghyuck interrupts Renjun, still ranting about how he's going to fail his class and his life's ruined basically.

"I told you," Renjun sighs, scolding Donghyuck that he's not listening to him, "I have to draw someone I love. That's the only thing our teacher told us and it's getting on my nerves! I have a lot of people I love, don't get me wrong, I just don't see how this isn't going to turn out as a plain portrait."

"Just draw your grandmother. You're close with her right? As long as you love your model, it's going to appear in your painting and it won't look plain, I can guarantee you that." Donghyuck stares at the few glow-in-the-dark stars he stuck on his ceiling with Jaemin when he moved in. 

"I guess you're right." Renjun sighs again but Donghyuck can tell he's decided. "But how do you know?"

"Know what?" 

"I'm close with my grandmother. I don't think I've told you before."

Donghyuck stays silence for a couple of seconds. The stars don't shine as bright as they did when they first stuck it on the ceiling but they're the only source of light in the room. Donghyuck can hear the sound of cars in the street below his window and Renjun's breathing on the other side of the phone.

"Wild guess."

They talk for a few more minutes before Renjun tells him he has to go to do his painting, ignoring Donghyuck's 'Right now at 2am?' and he hangs up without forgetting to warn him he'll call again to tell him if he did fail his class or not.

When Renjun hangs up, Donghyuck spends a few more minutes staring at his ceiling, with his phone now silent besides him on his bed. He already misses Renjun's voice so he closes his eyes, hoping to fall asleep quickly.

As much as he wants to though, he can't ignore the tear in his heart because there was once a time Donghyuck was the one Renjun drew when asked to paint a loved one. 

When May comes around, Donghyuck still works at Starbucks and Jaemin somehow managed to keep his job as well, but with the new semester, their shifts changed and both of them are now working Wednesday afternoons. Donghyuck doesn't mind it for now but he thinks he may struggle a bit with the heat when July comes —that's if he still works there.

Surprisingly, the day is quite calm so Donghyuck and Jaemin often have ten minutes break when they can sit behind their counters and talk. Despite being an awful employee, Jaemin's actually quite good at what he does —which is probably the main if not the only reason he's still around— so he also makes them drinks and it almost feels like they're not even working.

When the door opens, indicating a new customer has arrived, Donghyuck slowly looks up from his phone and is surprised to see Renjun smiling at him.

Renjun hasn't come by often the last few weeks because of his exams that take place long before Donghyuck's and Donghyuck hasn't even heard from his friend much for a while, being too caught up in his studies and his numerous art projects he all has to turn in one after the other.

Donghyuck stands up with a bright smile on his face but it fades a bit when he notices Renjun hasn't come alone. There's another guy behind him, towering over him from his tall height probably around Jaemin's. Donghyuck has never seen him before but he has puppy eyes and a kind smile.

"Hey!" Renjun beams while leaning on the counter, taking advantage of the fact that the shop is almost empty.

Jaemin also raises his head when he hears Renjun's voice and greets him with an excited wave from behind Donghyuck. "Long time no see. Who's that?"

"Jeno, he's in my art class." Renjun answers and he pulls his friend by his sleeve to make him come forward. Jeno giggles before greeting Donghyuck and Jaemin with the same kind smile he's had on since he entered.

"You talk as if we were just classmates." Jeno adds, looking at Renjun who rolls his eyes jokingly.

"Yeah right, we're high school friends or whatever."

Donghyuck feels his heart drop at the mention of high school. He hears Jaemin chuckle behind him but he knows he's probably feeling the exact same thing.

Renjun's high school friends were supposed to be Jaemin and Donghyuck, that was it. If Renjun had to mention his friends, he'd only talk about them because they were the only ones worth talking about.

Donghyuck often forgot that when Renjun left, he probably made other friends.

"Well, why don't you order?" Jaemin jumps from his seat, slightly pushing Donghyuck on the side to take their order in his stead. Donghyuck gulps as he moves back. Jaemin is much stronger than him, it's obvious. Jaemin doesn't freeze at the simple mention of Renjun's past they know nothing about, Jaemin isn't on the brink of tears in front of the guy that took their place.

Renjun throws a worried glance at Donghyuck that he doesn't catch, too busy turning around to busy himself and stop himself from breaking down right there.  
When he turns back around, he sees Renjun sitting with Jeno, smiling at his friend with an expression on his face that used to belong to he and Jaemin, long ago.

"Would you stop avoiding me?" Renjun grabbed Donghyuck's wrist as he hastened to leave the empty classroom.

Donghyuck had been avoiding Renjun, it was true. How could he not after what had happened at the party two weeks before? He thought about it again and again, tossed, turned in his sleep and came to the conclusion Renjun was probably very drunk, explaining him kissing a stranger but above all offering to kiss him. Which meant it wasn't anything to Renjun, maybe he didn't even remember behaving like that, but to Donghyuck that wasn't the case. He remembered clearly, too clearly even, and after, he hadn't been able to keep his heartbeat at a normal pace when Renjun was around, so that definitely meant something.

If Jaemin had noticed, he didn't say anything about it, instead trying to bring his two friends together in the same room without Donghyuck immediatly running away, but he failed. Donghyuck was fast and even more so when it involved anything related to his feelings. 

However, Renjun had now managed to catch him, after weeks of hide and seek. Donghyuck damned himself for accepting to help his teacher after school —teacher who had left only minutes after they had started to work.

Donghyuck reluctantly turned around, only to be met with Renjun's hard gaze on him. It made him nervous. Also, Renjun was still not letting go of his wrist, as if afraid Donghyuck would leave if he did —which honestly he probably would do.

"I'm not avoiding you." Donghyuck chuckled but everything about it sounded like a lie, which Renjun wasn't dumb enough to believe if his arched eyebrow was anything to go by.

"Did I do something to make you mad? You're usually not the type to beat around the bush for this kind of things though." Renjun bit his lower lip and Donghyuck looked away.

  
Donghyuck didn't say anything, melting into the freezing silence of the room. It was starting to get dark outisde and it was probably time they went home but that seemed like the farest thing from Renjun's mind at the moment. Donghyuck was starting to panick. He had to think of something or else their friendship would be ruined. Renjun talked first though.

"Is it because of what I said at the party?"

Donghyuck gazed at Renjun and he opened his mouth to refute his words, to tell him he didn't even think about it anymore, that he knew it didn't mean anything but he couldn't get the words to come out.

"I know you were drunk, it's fine." Donghyuck muttered instead, looking at the floor.

"I wasn't though." Donghyuck snapped his head back at Renjun who chuckled. "I mean I was, but not enough to not be conscious of my actions."

"Well in this case I know you didn't mean anything by... that, so it's okay." Donghyuck forced a smile but Renjun scoffed.

"You wouldn't be avoiding me if you did."

Donghyuck closed his mouth again and pursued his lips. Renjun was starting to annoy him with his teasing and he would just let it go if he wanted to fix things but his gaze changed again. It wasn't the usual or the one he showed Donghyuck that day at the party, it was something else.

"I don't just say things meaninglessly." 

Renjun's gaze was soft. Something Donghyuck had never seen on his friend, gentle eyes and a kind smile, tinged with a drop of melancholy. His hold on Donghyuck's wrist weakened but he still didn't let go, instead he slipped his hand in Donghyuck's and slightly squeezed it. He didn't take his eyes off Donghyuck who could do nothing but stay standing still, unable to move under Renjun's stare that felt like something Donghyuck wouldn't dare name.

"I thought we both agreed to not mention this." Donghyuck was almost whispering at this point.

"We did?"

"I did. Alone. In my head." Donghyuck cleared his throat which made Renjun laugh. Donghyuck didn't see how Renjun was able to laugh at a time like this but it looked like he was much weaker than his friend. "For the sake of our friendship."

"I don't think Jaemin would mind." Renjun stepped closer to Donghyuck who couldn't take a step back this time, he honestly didn't have the mental strength to do so. 

"I'm not talking about Jaemin." Donghyuck gulped when he felt Renjun intertwine their fingers together. "I didn't think you-"

"I do like you." Renjun said and it was the last thing Donghyuck heard before Renjun grabbed his neck and quietly pressed his lips against Donghyuck's.

Donghyuck can't sleep. It's almost midnight and it's over 28 degrees everywhere in his appartments. Summer nights are usually tough to bear but most of the times, Donghyuck manages to fall asleep by taking off his clothes or putting on AC but right now, he can't really afford the electricity bill it would involve and he already has taken his shirt off.

Taking all that into consideration, Donghyuck's now standing in his kitchen, pouring himself a glass of water and thinking about what movie he's going to watch to pass the time, because he's definetely not getting any sleep any time soon.

As he's putting the bottle of water back into his fridge, he hears a knock on the door of his flat. Donghyuck glances at his phone. 11:47pm. Even Jaemin isn't the type to come by so late without calling first and no sane person would go and knock on people's doors at such a tardy hour so Donghyuck comes to the conclusion that it's either a serial killer or he imagined it but there's a second knock which leaves only the first option, that Donghyuck's not very fond of.

He thinks about pretending he's sleeping and he didn't hear but as always, his curiosity gets the best of him so he slowly walks to the door, as silently as possible. When he's in front of it, he presses his ear against it, careful to any sound there might be on the other side.

Just as he was about to move back, there's a third, loud knock that startles Donghyuck so much he thinks he might have a heart attack. The same moment he starts praying he won't die so soon, he hears a voice.

"Open the fucking door Donghyuck!"

It's muffled by the door but loud enough for Donghyuck to recognize Renjun's voice. He frowns but immediatly unlocks his door to let an angry looking Renjun storm in without sparing him a glance.

"Hi?" Donghyuck tries while closing the door behind him to which Renjun only answers with a hum before sitting on Donghyuck's couch, making him face his back. Something's wrong, it's obvious, so Donghyuck plops down next to him, waiting for him to talk.

Renjun glances at him. "You might want to get dressed."

Donghyuck glances down at his bare chest before jumping on his feet to run to his room and put on the shirt he threw on the floor earlier that night. He comes back to the living room while scratching his nape, embarrassed Renjun saw him like that but he doesn't seem to mind much, obviously thinking about something else.

When Donghyuck sits back next to him, he notices Renjun's cheeks are stained with tears and he immediatly straightens his back.

"Are you okay? What happened?"

"Nothing." Renjun chuckles while sniffling. When he glances at Donghyuck and see his stare, clearly not buying any of that, he shrugs. "I sometimes have bad nightmares."

The appartment is completely silent and the headlights of a car in the street light up the room for a second before it's back to darkness. It's often silent with Renjun.

Donghyuck gets up and ignores Renjun's curious gaze as he goes to the kitchen. He comes back with a glass of water that he hands to Renjun as he sits down. Renjun thanks him and drinks it in one go but still doesn't talk. Donghyuck doesn't talk either. He doesn't ask what the nightmares were about or why Renjun came here.

But with neither of them talking, the mood feels quite heavy so Donghyuk starts counting the lines of his hardwood floor. When he gets to twenty-five, Renjun speaks, in a very low voice.

"You see when I was seventeen I got into a car accident. A bad one."

Donghyuck stills. He knows what this is about, he heard the story countless numbers of times. Doctors, parents, teachers, students. He knows it by heart even though he wishes he had never heard it in the first place and he had such a hard time even forgetting about even just a percent of the pain it brought him. But he can't tell Renjun to stop.

"Luckily, I got brought to the hospital quickly, but my injuries were quite severe. Everyone was panicking. They thought I wouldn't make it." I thought you wouldn't make it. "Well, I'm telling you that but I don't remember. When I woke up, I didn't remember anything. The pain, the accident, my life, myself." Renjun's voice starts to shake. 

Donghyuck wants to hold him, to be strong for him but he isn't. He never was. He can't even look at Renjun, right besides him, telling him the story of how he lost everything, even himself and Donghyuck can't do anything. He wishes Jaemin was here because even if he wouldn't know what to do, he'd at least know how to be here for him.

"I couldn't even recognize my face in the mirror. It's like being born again and not knowing anything except you're not a baby and you should know. Even today, I don't remember anything about my life before the accident, I don't remember who I was." Renjun sniffles and that's how Donghyuck's sure he's crying. "My parents thought it'd be better to start from a clean slate, so I moved and began a new life. It was great, I didn't have to worry about who I was talking to or who I used to be because nobody knew who I used to be."

Renjun raises his arm to his face to wipe away the tears falling down on his face. He's not looking at Donghyuck either, they're both staring at the floor, each caught up in their own memories.

"Except sometimes I remember things. I see a flower and I remember it used to be someone's favorite one but I don't remember who. I say something and I know I've said the exact same thing before but I don't know why. It's like having deja-vu but all the time." Renjun chuckles through his quiet sobs. "These are okay to deal with but the nightmares. They're awful, Donghyuck." Renjun breaks down and Donghyuck almost does so as well so he closes his eyes to keep the tears from falling. "I see faces but I don't see them at the same time, I hear voices, I feel things that I know were once real but I can't recall them. It's like I have every piece of a puzzle but I can't make them come together, and they're always changing shapes and colors."

Donghyuck bends to get the box of tissues on the floor next to him and hands it to Renjun who gratefully takes it and they're silent again. Donghyuck feels his heart beats much too fast in his chest and he clenches his teeth. Hearing the story from Renjun himself is somewhat even worse than all the other times he had to hear it. Maybe it's because it's been years, or maybe it's because for the first time, Donghyuck thinks about how Renjun might have felt. Waking up one day, and you're no one. 

"That must have been scary." That's all Donghyuck can get out. He feels like if he allows himself to talk more, he'll regret it.

"I'm sorry I bothered you." Renjun turns to him and Donghyuck gazes at him. He looks even smaller than usual, sitting on Donghyuck's couch, his eyes red from tears. Thinking about it, Donghyuck doesn't recall ever witnessing Renjun cry. "I just had a really bad nightmare and, I don't know why, I immediatly thought of you when I woke up."

"I'm the one who's sorry." Donghyuck plants his eyes in Renjun's, but Renjun might as well not be looking at him, Donghyuck doesn't really know because of the tears in his eyes that make his vision become blurry. He can still discern Renjun's frown and the worry in his eyes but Donghyuck shakes his head. "I'm so sorry."

He doesn't hear Renjun ask him why he's crying when he pulls him into a hug. That might be the first and last time he gets to do that, Donghyuck thinks.

When Renjun woke up after day three whole days asleep, Donghyuck was alone in the room. Renjun's parents had gone back to their house to take a shower and change clothes and Jaemin was at school —his mother didn't want him to skip so many days and Jaemin had been forced to go.

Donghyuck couldn't leave. He didn't have any choice but to go home when visiting hours closed since he wasn't a family member, but for those few hours that he was allowed, he stayed by Renjun's side, unable to do anyhting else. 

He watched Renjun's ill-looking face, talked to him and prayed he'd just wake up already. Renjun didn't budge for three days. The accident had been quite bad, he'd been told, the driver who had hit him was in a severe state as well and it was a possibility that Renjun would not wake up.

But Renjun did wake up. On the morning of the third day, Renjun slowly opened his eyes. Donghyuck jumped in his seat and kneeled besides the bed, waiting for Renjun to be fully awake. As Renjun looked around him, Donghyuck felt tears fill his eyes. Renjun was awake, he was okay, everything would go back to normal.

When Renjun turned his head on his pillow and locked eyes with Donghyuck smiling at him, he didn't move nor speak. He stared at him with a confused gaze so Donghyuck gently grabbed his hand resting on the cover.

"Hi." He whispered while softly rubbing his thumb on the birthmark on the back of Renjun's hand. He knew he liked it because he once told Donghyuck it set a pace to his breathing and his heartbeat. "How are you?"

Renjun stayed silent but his gaze slowly trailed to his hand held by Donghyuck's and he frowned a bit. Only the beeping of the heart-rate monitor could be heard, even the corridor usually busy was silent. Donghyuck was holding his breath.

"Who-" Renjun cleared his throat when he noticed the simple act of getting a single word out of his mouth hurt. "Who are you?"

Donghyuck thought he died.

"I assume he still hasn't talked to you."

Donghyuck sighs. He's been checking his phone every five seconds ever since Jaemin got here and he now just jumped on his phone after it rang, disappointed to see it was only a text from his mother reminding him to stop by their house to visit his sister. 

It's been two months since Donghyuck told Renjun the truth and he stopped talking to him. He had told him he needed time to process it and Donghyuck understood, but two months is a lot of time and Donghyuck doesn't know if he misses the old Renjun or the new or both of them since they're the same person after all.

"No. And you?"

Jaemin shakes his head. Renjun downright vanished. Donghyuck doesn't even see him at school anymore and it's almost like before they met except this time Renjun knows they exist. He wasn't mad when he found out but the look of pure disappointment and bewilderment on his face was enough to make Donghyuck regret everything he ever did or said. It's only normal Renjun doesn't want to hear about them anymore but Donghyuck still hopes he'd come back. 

Donghyuck had a lot of time to figure out his feelings because everywhere he went, he saw Renjun. It'd been the case when they first became friends, when they started going out, when Renjun left him, when he came back three years later.

The only thing Donghyuck wants, is a chance to tell everything he feels to Renjun. He wants to be able to tell him all the things he never got to say in high school, everything he felt for those three years Renjun was away, and the things he feels now. Because even if Donghyuck and Renjun might be the same boys they were before, they're different persons now. Donghyuck wants to tell him everything, if Renjun would just listen to him.

Donghyuck feels his heart clenches with the same twinge he's had for a while now. Renjun's silence feels a bit too familiar to him and he doesn't want to lose him again.

"I'll go find him." Donghyuck suddenly blurts out and before Jaemin can say anything, he's on his way to university where he hopes Renjun would be.

It's friday so it's likely he'd have classes but the campus is huge and Donghyuck has no idea of what his schedule is but he's willing to check every classroom if necessary.

(He still prays he's in the art room because that's the only place Donghyuck can think of and he's not sure he's ready to knock on the doors of the hundreds of classrooms there are, in three different buildings.)

When he gets to the art room, sweating because of the hot weather outside and also because he ran on his way here, the door is ajar so he tries to take a peek into the room as discreetly as possible in case Renjun's not here but unfortunately, he locks eyes with a boy from behind a canvas.

Donghyuck curses under his breath, hesitating between leaving and straight-up coming in when he recognizes the crescent moon shaped eyes staring at him. Jeno seems to have recognized him too because he gets up from his seat and walks to the door, leaving Donghyuck no choice but to stand there and wait for him.

Jeno opens the door with curious eyes and Donghyuck eyes the brush in his hand covered in paint. His gaze goes back to Jeno who doesn't say anything. Donghyuck stays silent too so they just stare at each other without a word for a few seconds until Jeno speaks.

"Renjun's in the back of the room."

"I'm not exactly-" Donghyuck gulps, not expecting it to happen so fast. He's also surprised Jeno, Renjun's best friend, is letting him see Renjun so easily although he's probably aware of what happened.

"He's mad at you, right? I was too at first," Donghyuck chuckles nervously at that. There's something weirdly intimidating about the boy despite his general aura of kindness. "But even I think he's just acting dumb right now. You need to talk to each other."

Donghyuck smiles weakly. He's thankful he's not the only one thinking so but he also feels sorry to Jeno for some reason. It was probably difficult to handle Renjun when they first met but he accepted him and helped him grow into the person he is now, and Donghyuck hurt that person. 

Jeno moves aside to let Donghyuck enter the room which he does while throwing careful glances around him. Jeno reassures him there's no teacher here and no one will mind his presence which makes Donghyuck loosen up a bit.

The atmosphere in the room definetely fits Renjun, is the first thing Donghyuck thinks. It's full of students who, even with plain clothes or hair, somewhat stand out from the average person, there are lively colors everywhere, on the wall, in the paints, on their skin and clothes, and everyone just has this feeling of passion and happiness surrounding them. It's very Renjun.

Donghyuck catches sight of him in the farthest corner of the room, absorded in a massive book and therefore, unaware of Donghyuck's presence yet. Jeno pats him in the back to encourage him before going back to his desk and Donghyuck takes a deep breath with every step he takes to Renjun. When he's close enough that he's blocking the light, Renjun raises his head and his eyes widen for a second before he clears his throat and lowers back his head, ignoring him.

"Erm..." Donghyuck scratches the back of his head to think about what to say because even if he had two whole months to think about it, as expected, it's different once you're actually in the situation you only imagined in your head. "What are you reading?"

"Something about conceptual art and its theories." Renjun's still polite enough to answer, he can't help it.

Donghyuck makes a noise of understanding. He doesn't know what conceptual art is but it doesn't sound like something that would have theories but now is not the time to wonder about that.

"I'm sorry I came, I know you said you needed time but I thought maybe if two months wasn't enough time then nothing would be enough time and I have a lot of things to tell you —if you're willing to listen to me, which I would understand if you weren't but I just couldn't-" 

"I'm listening." Renjun cuts him off while grabbing a pencil and beginning to sketch something on a piece of paper that he pulls from under the book.

"Oh, okay." Donghyuck definitely didn't think it'd be that easy so he's not really ready to skip straight to the confession part but he doubts Renjun won't tell him to leave if Donghyuck doesn't go to the point. "First of all, I'm sorry I lied to you. Honestly when you first entered the shop, I didn't know what to do, how to act. I hadn't seen you for three whole years, and having you in front of me, smiling at me like you'd do at a stranger, it felt really awful. I didn't think I'd get involved with you but I couldn't help myself. Just like I was attracted to you when we were sixteen, I inevitably was again."

Donghyuck can see Renjun is starting to tense up in his seat because of his grip hardening on the pencil but he's still drawing without sparing him a glance and now Donghyuck can't stop the words from flowing out of his mouth.

"I wanted to tell you from the very start, I just didn't know how. I couldn't just come up to you and say 'Hey, guess what we used to be best friends before you lost your memory! Funny, right?' and as time passed, I missed every opportunity to tell you. At one point, I thought it was too late, but never did I give up on telling you. It was just so hard because having you look at me normally felt so refreshing and the times we hung out with Jaemin remided me of before so much. I should have told you even if I was scared, I'm sorry I was selfish."

Renjun still does not look at him but his hand stills on the pencil. Donghyuck takes another deep breath and set his eyes on Renjun's birthmark. His heartbeat slows down.

"Another reason I couldn't tell you was also because I never felt as heartbroken as when you left three years ago. I felt as if a part of me had been taken away from me and I wasn't ready to live that again. I was afraid you'd just leave if I told you but it was stupid of me to think you wouldn't learn the truth one way or another and that it'd hurt you much more than if I had just told you." Donghyuck feels his eyes become watery as he recalls everything. "But Renjun, the look on your face when you didn't recognize me and asked my name was probably the worst thing I'll ever have to see."

Renjun gulps and Donghyuck licks his lips beginning to become dry because of how much he's talking. 

"What I really want to say I guess is I loved you. I loved you so much. I was desparately in love with you and I'm sorry to be the one telling you this, but you loved me too." Donghyuck wipes his tears away before they even fall on his cheeks. He can't afford to cry right now, he's still not done talking. He can't do that to Renjun. "The only thing is you forgot me but I kept loving you. Everytime I heard someone speak Chinese I'd think of you —and there's a lot of Chinese people around here— when I saw orange tulips I'd think of you because they're your favorite, I'd think of you when eating cherries because I remembered eating them with you after school during spring. I thought of you everyday until you reappeared in my life. Then I started thinking about you because of other things. The art store behind Jaemin's house you dragged me to and made me pay for your stuff, the stupid disgusting drink you take everytime you come to Starbucks only because you know I'm shit at making it, the weird TV show about paranormal events you're addicted to. I can't stop loving you and now you're making me say all this cringy shit."

Donghyuck shuts his mouth before he can say anything else to add to the collection of embarassing things he's ever told Renjun and holds his breath, waiting for Renjun to either laugh at him or tell him to leave. 

"I didn't make you do anything." Renjun giggles.

Donghyuck snaps his head up to make sure he's hearing properly. Renjun is laughing, he has a smile on his face and when he looks at him his gaze has softened.

"You're not mad?"

"Oh, I am. But not as much as before." He bites his lower lip. "And I guess I can understand your reasons. It must have been hard."

"How can you be so understanding in your situation, you're the one who's had it hard." Donghyuck says.

"I've had three years to cope. Not you." Renjun shrugs with a smile. Donghyuck's definetely the weakest.

There's a silence during which neither of them talk but Donghyuck feels uneasy. It doesn't feels like the conversation should be over just like that and he can sense Renjun isn't done either. The room's noisy with all the students talking, the brush of pencils on canvas and pages being turned.

"Well I guess there was a reason I started liking you. Maybe we're fated or something." Renjun smirks, leaving Donghyuck at a loss for words. 

"What'd you say?" Donghyuck asks, thinking maybe he hasn't heard correctly because of the noise around them but Renjun only smiles in answer. It's a gentle smile, one that makes Donghyuck feels warm inside and like everything's falling into place.

"Nothing. So, tell me about how wonderful I was for you to be —what did you say? Right, desperately in love-"

Donghyuck covers his mouth with his hand to stop him from talking, his face red from embarassment.

Renjun hasn't changed. He's the same boy Donghyuck fell in love with in high school, except now everything's different, but Donghyuck knows he would still always fall for Renjun even if the universe made them forget about each other over and over again.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading leave kudos and comments if u liked it hehe


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